


me

by gay j writing (legbutts)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:57:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legbutts/pseuds/gay%20j%20writing
Summary: stay safe, bitchachos





	1. S H

more.  
keep going.  
another one.  
that's not enough.  
you can do more than that.  
you **need** to do more than that.

 

 

i did it

what we quietly urged each other not to

we were both hypocrites

i actually wanted to do it

i don't know about you

guess i never will

you're always changing

thoughts moving quickly

one place to the next

 

 

a quick swipe

just one

not too deep

enough to get it flowing

slight sting

move a little and there it goes

it won't stop

don't really want it to

another one before the pain recedes

sharp sting

deeper, now

keep going

different places

what is that?

i fell.

i scraped my arm.

oh something must have scratched me

 

one last relapse before the year's over.

sorry.

i couldn't do it.


	2. Chapter 2

i almost did it.

relapse.

such a      word for something so.

Almost.

better than actually.

i still haven't told you.

you don't know.

i won't tell you.

last time i said Something, we didn't talk.

that wasn't a good time.

as much as i hate saying it, i think i need you.

someone else Confronted me about it.

she checked first.

made sure i hadn't Actually done it.

i love her.

she makes me cry.

good crying.

happy crying.

i know she cares.

well, sometimes.

but you.

no.

i never know with you.

you're jealous of me being with someone else even as you go around.

we're complicated, as you once said.


	3. Chapter 3

i'm glad you're happy.

you seem a lot happier.

but i'm losing you.

i considered

consider

you a best friend

one of many

but an important one

and i'm losing you

i can feel it

you're slipping away

for the better

i must admit

you look so much

happier

i'm glad

you need it

you need someone like her

you need her

she needs you


	4. Chapter 4

i hate this

us

all of us

this

Instabitlity.

are we friends?

are we more than friends?

are we best friends?

or are we less?

are we simply acquaintances?

i used to know

now

everything's so much more complicated


	5. Chapter 5

sometimes i wish you didn't care

sometimes it feels like you don't

when i ask you about it

you say

of course i care

i don't believe you

i never do

but i Stay

just in case you actually mean it

i hope you do

i hope you don't

it would be so much easier if you didn't

to just

Go

Leave

to Leave and have no one left behind

no one that cared

no one that will miss me

that

that would be fantastic

but unfortunately

i have you

to care

to assure me you care

to pull me back when it feels like too much


	6. Chapter 6

i'm starting to realize.

it's getting clearer now, yeah.

you never cared.

sure, you Said you cared.

but that's not the same as actually caring.

i always knew.

i mean, at some point i thought you cared too

we were both wrong.

i think i'm okay

with losing you

i mean i lost you a while ago but you still hung around

it's been nice.

thank you


	7. Chapter 7

2016.

what a year.

good

bad

indifferent

apathy

sympathy

nothing

too much

emotions

disappointment

reactions

actions

coming out

staying

going

debate

we did it.

i'm proud of you.

i'm proud of us.

you made it another year.

we made it another year.


	8. Chapter 8

i got Help

a room full of strangers

Complimenting me

(it was my first time there)

you're perfect

love the hair

your smile is perfect

giving me Advice

time

listen to your favorite music, as loud as you can

Helping

Asking

 

you

identifying as pansexual

asking me my pronouns

thank you

i appreciate it

 

you

with your blanket

loud phone call voice

Compliments

thank you

 

you

quiet

forgiving

so, so beautiful

you deserve so much more than what you're getting

why do you think he's a Friend

anyways thank you

for listening

 

you

similar problems

confirming

music Helps

friend drama, you're above that

go with people who will Accept you for You

thank you

 

you

similar problems

not personally but

kinda boyfriend

trans

i want to hug you

Helping people Helps you

thank you

 

you

so quiet

sitting in the corner

facing away from Help

do you want to be here?

so many questions

no answer

it's okay

we're here to Help

don't hurt yourself

thank you

 

you

so sweet

so much pressure

you don't need it

start over

every time

go with it

thank you

 

you

came in late

gave me tissues

your stuff

protect your siblings

thank you

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

you've become my worries

don't worry about me

it's my job

i know i'm not your Actual Wife but i still care

how could i not

i - you

i won't say that word (-) because it can't Capture what i feel for you


	10. Chapter 10

grandparents.

respect them

you have to respect your elders

i understand that, i do.

but that gets kind of hard when they're completely invalidating how i feel, what i've gone through.

as people, we need to be validated

what we feel needs to be validated

so when you tell me that what i have is good, i shouldn't be stressing as much as i am, that you've been through worse, or other people have it so much worse than i do, how do you think that makes me feel?


	11. Chapter 11

she.

she.

she.

she.

she.

she.

she.

they

thank you

there's no need to thank me

she.


	12. Chapter 12

i wish i could actually do it.

what we all want to do.

stay alive, it's worth it

not for me

i have nothing to look forward to

i don't want kids

i don't know what job i want.

i don't even know if i want to go to college.

all i know is i want to go to a concert

to Celebrate

it's a Celebration, you're alive

i don't want to be

i'm sorry

things

keep

getting

worse

for me

for you, they got so much better.

i'm happy for you

but i'm not like that

i don't have Motivation.

i'm sorry

i tried

thank you


	13. Chapter 13

today is a day

feelings

hatred

regret

crying

he's gone

leaving

thank you

i don't know exactly what you did but i know you helped love win.

thank you, obama

you will be missed.

 


	14. Chapter 14

small

insignificant

you forgot

okay.

i thought you wouldn't.

that's fine.


	15. Chapter 15

scratch.

white

red

scratching.

red. lifting

take it out

it's under your nails

more

peel it away

take it off

hide it

what happened

i scratched myself

why

itchy.

silence.

 


	16. Chapter 16

i really miss how it was

before i had to move

technically homeless

you don't care

now i know that you never did

thats what makes me cry

well it's My fault for thinking you Actually cared but still

it hurts

thinking someone cared

and then

 

oh

 

i think i hate you

i really do think so

not as much as i hate my d*d but you're up there

for now? who knows.


	17. Chapter 17

question(s):  

why are you reading this?

why does this matter to you?

does it?

 

 

be honest.


	18. Chapter 18

headaches.

migraines.

stomachaches.

pills.

crying.

crying so much.

an hour?

more?

can'tsee

can'tbreathe

toomanythoughts

notenough

notenoughwords

don'tknowhowtoexplainit

what are you feeling

idon'tknow

calm down

i'mtrying

breathe

ican't

close your eyes and think about what makes you happy

i didn't say it, but it was nothing. nothing makes me happy.

do you know how fucking terrifying that is?

so many things used to make me so happy.

but now there's so much nothing i can't.

i

i need Something

anything

please


	19. Chapter 19

thank you for the honesty.

i don't know if it's hate.

hate was too strong of a word, and i'm sorry for that. for the english language being shit at helping me Express what i so badly want to say to you.

but

you and so many other people have said one thing and then done something that completely contradicts what you'd said.

 

i'm always here if you ever need to tell me

everything

something

nothing

 

the little things help too.

doesn't have to be anything big.


	20. Chapter 20

i wish i had more

new ones

i wish they weren't healing

i wish i was dead

no

i wish i was never born

i know it means i would've never met anyone i have so far

but so many of those people have hurt me

indirectly

directly

 

it also means i would have never met the people who have saved me, helped me countless times.

but then again i wouldn't need their help

i would be better off as nothing

not a memory

not a concept

never born.

 

it's funny

i don't think my parents ever loved each other.

i wasn't supposed to be here.

i wasn't meant to be born, conceived

my mom didn't even know.

i wish she'd aborted.

 

these thoughts aren't new

they may be to you but i've cried over these an infinite amount of times and i may cry over them an infinite amount more.

 

who knows if i'll ever cry again.

 

where do you see yourself in ten years?

dead      erasethatthat'snotanappropriateanswer

collegegraduatedhappyagoodjobagoodcareer

lie for us

them

pretend you're okay

smile

wave

nod

answer

eye contact

smile


	21. Chapter 21

IMNOT

IM NOT

IM  N O T

IM REALLY NOT

IM REALLY FUCKING . NOT

IM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM

I AM NOT WHAT I SAY

MY THOUGHTS AND WHAT I SAY ARE DIFFERENT

WHEN I SAY IM HAPPY AND I DONT LOOK IT PLEASE DONT BELIEVE ME

SOMETIMES I NEED YOU TO BE THE ONE PERSON WHO SEES THROUGH MY BULLSHIT

YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING I PROMISE

A GESTURE, ANYTHING IS APPRECIATED

alice, i know you might not ever see this but thank you so much. i know im difficult and negative and not what people need in their lives but i Appreciate you being there and Reassuring me when i really need it

me saying im not isnt me trying to be attention-seeking. it may come off as it, but i Genuinely believe the Opposite of what you think i am.


	22. Chapter 22

what do i do?

what is there To do?

feeling useless, that usual feeling dawning on me

listen to music

other people's words

yours are shit

theirs help people

yours do nothing but make people realize how fucked you really are

 

what the hell do i do on days like these

 

you're not here.

i'm realizing you haven't been for a few years now.

i miss you so much.

I'm fucked up,  i know.

why do i miss you?

i knew it was only temporary.

what the fuck?

why?

you've been looking at me

different

i don't like it.

i don't like this.

please don't.

i'm good.

this is good


	23. shower thoughts

i was jsut trying to shower.  
i realized i wasn't ever going to see them.  
the people that had saved me when i was in my darkest hours.  
my 3 am thoughts crept into my shower ones, creating new, twisted ideas on how to Go.  
i was out of it.  
i cried.  
no tears came.  
i held my wrist out in front if me.  
imagining it.  
the dark thick substance just pouring out.  
never stopping.  
my arm got weaker.  
came back to reality, realized i had Imagined that.  
how much i wanted it.  
i screamed my 3 am thoughts to my arms  
willing them to open  
never stop.  
crying again, realizing how much i wanted it.

crying now, when i realize people care.

"why are you still here if you want to die so badly?"  
that'sagoodquestion,mom. ireallydon'tknowtheanswertothatone.

someone made me realize. as long as people keep caring in some way, i will always stay.  
i realize it's unhealthy   
but that's just me in general.

anemic. depressed. anxious. traumatized by stupid memories of minor car crashes.

i hope you stop caring some day. so i can finally Go

"if you love me, let me go"

please.


	24. about do not go gentle into that good night

Listening to this poem late at night

when the tears are falling

when my wrists are just _aching_  to be opened 

I listen to these words and nothing else

no yelling

no Feeling

Only words meant for someone else

Words meant for Someone Else

Not me

Someone

cared about

not Me.

 

and then you send me a random text, one Completely random that for some reason makes me a little Better

 

or you. you wish me a good day. or that it gets better.

 

or you. Especially you. that short interaction completely relaxed me.

i dont want you to feel obliged to interact with me but when you do i feel a lot better.

 

so just.  thank you.

i love you.


	25. Breakfast.

Standing at

the stove

Hungry,

Inexperienced

        Craving Something

Maybe Eggos, maybe Something More

       too high?

too short

        _"Why didn't you ask for help?_

_Why do you need to do everything by yourself?"_

Why?

Ointments, Creams

        Scars

Memories

        of a long-gone Her

He never talks about Her

       Was She Even Real?

         becomes a valid question


	26. Trabajadores

Husband,          Father,             Tío,

                Hijo,              Brother,

                       Worker

smiling constantly

despite tired faces, 

rough hands, 

        aching backs 一

All to make

Just

         Barely

                    Enough

Ignored,

             Resented,

                             Put down

For hijos

          Who are proud

of your hands, always moving

        Always Caring


	27. supuesto

i suppose i could spare a smile

for the boy and the girl who hurt me - i don't think they meant to

and if they did, who am i to blame them?

after all, i am the one who would rather hurt myself than hurt anyone i've ever cared about

 

i suppose i could do the thing that i would rather not do

against everyone else's advice

but then again

i never asked for their advice

and the thing i would rather not do ends up being the thing that's best for me

for us

for everyone around us

 

we're not an us anymore

i felt it falling apart long before i helped you pull the plug

but, as usual, i ignored the telltale signs of disinterest

 

you gave me a light tap and i shoved

more than either of us expected, especially from me

 

duele, sí

pero solo estaba terminando lo que tú empezaste

**Author's Note:**

> oversharing time is over go home


End file.
